Helpful Insight

I have neglected this blog for a very long time.  The truth is, I have been very hesitant to share what is going on with us because the first time around some of the comments and questions we received were downright hurtful.  We have been in the process to adopt from South Korea again for a long time.  I thought the first time around was difficult as we waited nearly three months for Christopher to come home at 11 months old and I felt like it was a lifetime.  Well, my daughter is now 14 months old, and due to bureaucratic red tape and changes in the Korean government,  our trip to get her has no end in sight.  We have missed her birthday, her second Christmas and it gets harder every day. Thankfully I have formed some amazing friendships with a huge group of adoptive mommas who are stuck in limbo waiting for their children to come home too.  I thought I would share a post from a fellow momma who put in to words everything I wish I could shout to all the "well meaning" friends who will never understand what it feels like to watch your child age 8 months in pictures.  GUT WRENCHING!   Please take a moment to read this post from Jen and perhaps understand why sometimes us adoptive mommas may seem down right crazy!  Thanks for all the support you have shown.  I hope someday to be able to share our entire journey to "Baby Sister"as Christopher calls her and finally post some pictures of our entire family of four.

The following post is from Jen's Blog:
http://corascominghome.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/dear-friends-of-my-adoption-friends/

Dear Friends of My Adoption Friends

11JAN

I have found an amazing group of families who grew or are growing through Korean adoption both online and in person.  We’re a group of people that just get it.  A new photo or a new update that simply says the child sprouted a new tooth is enough for a full-on celebration among friends.  These friendships are a gift.

Because we’re adopting an older child from a Korean orphanage, a lot of the stuff that goes into what they are going forward with isn’t the same as us.  (Nursery, baby carriers, cribs, foster parents, etc…whereas we are going through a full-speaking in Hangul child, kindergarten/preschool, transition from orphanage to home life…etc…) But it seems like recently, some of my new friends keep getting this “thing”, this “phrase” tossed their way by well-intended friends.  But today, I’m here to graciously help you see why this phrase isn’t really getting the “warm fuzzy feelings” you probably expect it is getting.

If you’re going through Korean adoption right now or know someone who is, chances are good you know that, despite it being mid-January 2012 right now, they have not let any EP’s even get so far as submitted.  This is the last step for many of us waiting. Last year, they submitted the first working day of the year, so we all assumed the same would be done this year.  Our agencies don’t know why and the Korean agencies can only wait for the government to allow them to submit.

We sit. We wait. We know nothing. Day after day we wake up and jump on our computers hoping we got an email that gives us more info.  When we find we didn’t get an email, we head to our “group” to see if anyone from any of the three Korean agencies got any email. Then, when we realize that another day has gone by without news, we try our best to brush off the sadness, the empty unknown feelings and put a smile on…for you! For you and our family and our friends so that we don’t look completely insane.

It seems that lately the phrase that is being said to my friends who were all matched with bitty babies, now waiting for their 18mo+ children to come home is, “It sounds to me like the final weeks of a very long pregnancy!”

*Deep breath*

First, let me say to you, thank you for reaching out to your friends who are waiting and offering words of encouragement.  If it weren’t for the people who check in and offer these words, it would be a mighty hard wait. We love talking about our children in Korea. We love them with all of our hearts and our hearts are breaking in anticipation of them coming home.

Let me be very clear in a very loving way – the wait is not like the final weeks of a pregnancy. Not even close.

When you are pregnant, there is an ending. When you are pregnant, you know that your doctor will take things into his own hands if you reach about 42 weeks in almost all cases.  There is an ending.  All along you knew that you were going to hopefully be pregnant for 9 months, give or take, and you would give birth to a newborn baby.  You knew that, within all likelihood you would take maternity leave, if needed, around this time.  Some of you were taken off guard with the delivery of an early baby, but it’s pretty much a guarantee that you will not have a baby past 42 weeks.

Oh, how those 42 weeks can get long.  And painful, and exhausting. I remember.  I was lucky enough to give birth to two sweet baby boys.  I griped, I groaned, I ate my sorrows away, I swelled up like a balloon. It was not pretty. It was hard.  There definitely are some similar feelings there.

But, the difference between adoption, any adoption that is not a domestic newborn adoption, is that your friend who is griping, groaning and eating her sorrows away…that baby doesn’t have an exit date.  It already exited. It’s a living, breathing child.  Every day is a day that that child grows, learns, sleeps, eats, loves without his or her forever family.

Every day, the family that you know that is waiting, every day they miss milestones.  Let’s just average that a child comes home from Korea at age 18 months. The families that are waiting for them have missed: the first smile, the first rolling over, the first belly laugh, the first tooth, first foods, crawling, the first steps, the first night they slept all night, the first and likely second Christmas, a birthday and so much more.

When you are pregnant, that baby starts at day one every single time. Every single first is witnessed by the baby’s family. When you are adopting, every day you miss matters. It is not a pregnancy. It is not like a pregnancy. It is so hard to go to bed at night wondering what your child is doing at that moment.  Going through Christmas wondering if you should have a gift or two, maybe a stocking for the child that is so far away. And when it’s your child’s first birthday and they live half a world away, deciding if you as a family should have a little cake to celebrate is excruciating.

And unlike pregnancy, with adoption there is no guaranteed “end date”. And right now, when things are in such an unknown place and no one has answers, rumors get started.  So far, those of us waiting for EP submission knew we had to make it to Jan 2nd.  We got that far with great joy and anticipation. It’s January 11th right now.  The joy and anticipation has turned to fear and in our darkest moments, dispair.  Rumors of March, April, May, July at the latest are getting thrown around.  These months, so far away, are our nightmares.

We love our babies. Some are 1, some are 2, ours is almost 5. We’ve missed so much of their little lives.  We chose this path of adding to our family, and with this choice comes the unknowns. Unknowns we have to accept, of course, but the unknowns are hard.  Mentally draining hard.  We have to sit and decide if we should, yet again, talk about our Korean babies with our children living at home.  Should we keep talking about them? How hard is the wait on the siblings? Should we just give it a rest for a week or so?  We think about our children living in Korea. Many of them don’t even really realize that they are waiting for their mom and dad at all, but my child does.  She knows about us.  She knows we’re coming and she knows that we haven’t come yet.  My heart breaks for her.

I promise that I say this out of love, friends of my adoption friends.  I think that because of my daughter’s age, I don’t get the “it sounds like a long pregnancy” comparison very often. A few times, yes, but it seems like this is a very common phrase used for encouragement from many.  Might I make a suggestion?

When you read that your friend is sad, waiting, losing hope, trying to brush off the fear and move on through her day, all we want you to do is simply encourage with a,

• “I’m SO sorry you’re still waiting.”
• “You are doing great, mama! I’m here to listen any time!”
• “How can I help?”
• “Let’s grab dinner so you can tell me all about her!”
• “I’m praying for you!”

And my very favorite thing that was said to me from my brother-in-law, “I can’t wait to meet her! She’s amazing!” I will never forget the time he said that to me.  “She’s amazing.”  She’s AMAZING! (She really is, I must say.)

We love your support.  We actually crave it. We need it. Without it, we wouldn’t make it through this.

Please talk about our child, ask us questions about his/her personality, living conditions, foster parents and siblings or caregivers. Ask us how much he/she weighs, what we still need to shop for.  Ask if our babies have teeth yet, or if they have a picture in their purse to show you. And complement our babies and their cuteness because they are little gifts from God.

Please don’t ask us if he/she is ever coming home because that is our deepest darkest fear.  Do not comment on all that we have missed.  We know how much we’ve missed.  We look forward to all of the different “firsts” that come along with adoption, but we also know that what we’ve missed is something we’ll always miss.

Please, friends, don’t compare our wait to a pregnancy. We’re in this unknown universe where we don’t yet have any say, we’re not necessarily recognized as mom/dad yet and there is no end date circled in red on the calendar.

We are floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean.  We are praying that we get that happy ending of rescue, so we try to remain positive, but it’s exhausting floating there. We grip the raft and pray it doesn’t pop.  We pray.  We pray and keep floating because what else can you do but float.Thank you for caring for us, some of you loving us, enough to be that bit of encouragement.  You are making a difference in our lives. We thank you for that.

Thank you Jen.

My Little Equestrian...

Rather than catch you all up on our latest adventures, I thought I would post about something that has become a big part of Christopher's life over the last year and a half. I think it is safe to say that Phil and I share a love for horses (well, really all animals) and it warms my heart to no end to see Christopher falling in love right along with us. Before he came home he received many gifts and toys from friends and family; the most prominent of these was a 4 foot tall, ride-on, stuffed horse from my brother -which now lives in our Kitchen (doesn't everyone have a 4 ft tall horse in their kitchen)? Christopher's first visit outside to see our real horses was a bit of a disaster, and after being sneezed on, he would scream whenever he saw a horse for a couple months! It was this handsome indoor steed that gave him the confidence to make friends with the horses again....and even try a turn in the saddle!

Home around two months and having a ball riding his first "horsey" around the living room. It is hard to believe he was this little when he came home!

We decided to let him try his hand at riding a real miniature first since they are not quite so intimidating.

Getting to know Goldie..

At first he was not so sure (notice the look of sheer terror)!

...but within minutes the terror gave way to elation, and at that moment the boy was hooked!

Aside from perhaps "choo choos", there is nothing on Earth Christopher loves more than horses! (smart boy!) He has since made friends with some of the most gentle giants you could ever know.

Boomer aka "The Most Beautiful Horse in the World"

whom we miss every day.

I am glad he had the chance to know him, if even for just a short time.

Billy, our Superhero.

Phil was riding him in the 2009 Presidential Inaugural Parade in Washington, DC the day Christopher was born.

Such a sweet moment between them. Sharing a secret and a gentle rub on the nose. I think Christopher would have gladly taken him out to play if he could open the gate at that point. Luckily for Christopher, Billy is already a wonderful kids' horse.

Sunny is one of our rescued angels, and she is as sweet and cheerful as her name. She is 13, so she may be Christopher's first "big" horse of his very own when he gets a little older, and I bet he can't wait! He already gets to sit on her in the paddock and loves every second!

This handsome little man is Chief..... he's crazy. ;o)

Actually, he is still a stallion, and I am pretty sure testosterone is a neurotoxin to tiny horse brains. LOL! He definitely doesn't know he is only 3 feet tall! He is quite the little stinker and darn near impossible to catch at times.... but not for Christopher. For some reason these two just click and Christopher can walk right up to him with a halter.

He could even put it on him all by himself by the time he was two!!!

Taking Chief for a walk....

He is learning what it takes to have and care for horses of your very own. It's a lot of hard work, and Christopher is not afraid to get his hands dirty and help out

- even the hardest times of the year.

Feeding Bailey in the snow!

Christopher is learning that becoming a good rider takes lots of practice

....and he LOVES to practice!

Riding in a real saddle on his kitchen horse (he'll sit up there for hours)....

He'll practice wearing his helmet (or in this case Mom's)...

He'll practice on his "Baby Mo Mo"...

He'll practice on Daddy....

He even practiced once on a lego horse! :o)

Dad shows him how to do it with the real Moses (aka Mo Mo).

Then Christopher shows Dad a thing or two! See Daddy - this is how you do it!

He even rides in his dreams!

Snuggling with his "Baby Bailey" aka "Baby". She goes everywhere with him!

If he can't ride them, he'll give them a ride!!

Taking his friend for a spin in the carrier.

He even dressed up as a pony for Halloween last year (ok, yes it was my idea, but he didn't argue and he loved his little tail)!

Christopher is already a seasoned traveler to some of the most spectacular horse shows on earth. Last year we attended the FEI World Equestrian Games (the first time they have ever been held in the US), and this year we made it to the Rolex Three Day event in Kentucky. We watched the cross country event and whenever a horse jumped an obstacle on it's way by Christopher would clap and yell "More, More"!! :o) Perhaps eventing is in his future!

I couldn't help but notice that there was no Korean presence at these shows, and can't help but wonder if our little man's love of horses and riding could change that some day. No pressure, I am completely fine if he "outgrows" them and moves on to something else, but you never know. I will support him in whatever he desires in life! It only makes sense that a boy who lives with 11 horses will have some inclination towards them, but we have lots of friends with horses, and very few of them have kids that are as horse crazy as our little man! Maybe he just feeds off our enthusiasm - or maybe this horse loving bug is contagious.....

I think even Lilly may be catching it! :o)

Summer at last!

The weather has been so beautiful lately and it finally feels like summer is here to stay! We have been super busy as usual, so I haven't had much time to post. Last week we took a road trip to Washington DC to visit a group of my dear friends and their families over the holiday weekend. I wish we could have spent more time together, but we made the most of the days we had. Christopher was such a trooper on the 12 hour trip each way. He is such an awesome traveler!

We visited the National Zoo (so fun!)

There are elephants in the background (I promise)

Spent time touring the monuments

Rode the metro...Christopher was soooo excited about the "choo choos," that he squealed and danced and repeated "choo choo" and "toot toot" most of the trip to the amusement of those around us. Wouldn't the world be such a happy place if we were all as excited to use public transportation as a two year old! :o)

We visited the Smithsonian Natural History Museum. Christopher was super excited to see the dinosaurs again, and he lead the way!

He liked the T-Rex, but I'm bummed that it is so dark in the background of this photo with the wooly mammoth because it was his favorite.

This museum even had a special temporary exhibit on Korea that was pretty cool!

Our last night together my friends surprised me with a birthday celebration at dinner. Yup, I am officially 33 now. We had a great time with all our friends, and it was sad to have say goodbye. I look forward to our adventures together again next year! Miss you all already!

Between the long travel home, extra days at work filling in for an out of town colleague, two vet visits and stressful meetings this week, I felt like I didn't have a moment to just breathe! Thankfully we had nothing planned today and decided to spend it at home just enjoying the beautiful weather and relaxing (yay)!

We started early with a little horse grooming which is very therapeutic! We moved on to playing in the sandbox, when Christopher suddenly decided he needed to cool off so he pulled the hose out to his little pool, filled it up, and got in (yes, clothes and all). I realize I could have stopped him at any time, but quite frankly it sounded like fun at that moment to me too!! His new favorite water activity is to slide down his little slide into the pool...over...and over...and over again!! He is really quite good at it and just giggles like crazy when he splashes down!

In case you are wondering, he is not covered with wounds - he just has a new found love for bandaids! I put one on a scratch on his wrist this morning thinking he was definitely old enough for bandaids now (the last time I put one on him was about a year ago...and he ate it!!)

He seems to think they are pretty cool now, so he wanted them all over. :o)

After the dip in the pool, Christopher "mowed" the lawn with his tractor

Then we checked out the local bugs. He is really interested in watching the ants in the barn driveway and this june bug was quite fascinating too. Maybe a future entomologist? Good thing his momma likes bugs (for the most part)!

We had good time laying on the lawn watching clouds and birds fly by, counting the trees....and just laughing and rolling in the grass!

Nothing is quite as special as being tackled by this little giggler!

The boys even got to take a nap in the hammock!

We had a great dinner and finished the day with a canoe ride around the nearby lake to see the turtles! Christopher actually fell asleep in the canoe, so we took him home, tucked him in and now here I am - ready to turn in after a wonderful, relaxing day! I wish we had more weekends like this to just re-charge and enjoy!

Happy summer everybody!!

Wordless Wednesday - A Day Out with Thomas!

(a very cold and rainy day out with Thomas)